Face-off

At a time when nothing else was going right in my life and I could neither hold my ground nor run away anywhere - I landed up doing something which is always looked upon by everyone as a futile effort of the craven to escape. But I do not intend to tread that path, now, nor do I intend to speak about it. I would only like to say that it was a tough time for me - a very tough time, confronting which was seemingly impossible. But I made it possible. I single-handedly drove off the clouds blocking the dappled sunlight and sowed the seeds of a new beginning - or so I thought!

I suddenly realise that all my efforts in blowing off the hazardous weather is a hoax with which I had sought to bemuse myself. When, in fact, I was busy building a bulwark of self-defense, I formed the notion that I was laying the foundation stone of a new beginning. Talking in abstruse symbolism has been like a disease which I have never been able to cure myself of - I never liked expressing myself in a lucid and readily comprehensible fashion. Because, I suffer from the fear of rejection? Because, I am mentally disturbed? Because, I suffer from a lack of confidence? The conjectures could be infinite but would always fall short of etching out the true reason - at least, I feel so.

Anyway, Soc. Cult. and biosciences - I am really not sure that I do it because of my passion. It is true that the thin lines differentiating passion, obsession and paranoia are truly obscure to my eyes - and as a consequence, sometimes I really lose myself and land up doing stuff which I really do not enjoy - going against my self-proclaimed "passion" and entering into the tormenting domain of paranoia. And as a result, I land up forcing myself into a chasm of confusion. The kind of person that I had chosen to become, would not allow me to think anything remotely close to things as undefined as the above (and I'm not very sure about what all is flitting across my mind at this instant of time) - but one thing I am sure of - there is a feeling lurking within my heart which in a very arcance manner is probably coaxing me to think about the road not taken. I'm somewhat confident that this would be an exercise in futility. But then, the inherent optimist, who has been living inside me for the past few years, is encouraging to undertake this venture.

I guess once again its a face-off between me and myself. In either case, I would not win or lose. But the superfluity of this undertaking is not what concerns me the most at this time - its something else...how I wish I knew what it was!